Lord Galdbrand's Journal #2

Angry and Tired

I spent much of my life being bullied and wounded. Physiological scars can be worse than physical ones. Why? Because a scar is just that. It is a memory, a lesson, or an open wound. A mental scar is a wound that hasn’t healed right, or a terrible lesson. When the brain is injured by interactions with people it either learns a lesson or heals the wound. With Asperger’s it can make it hard to learn that lesson.

Essentially I, and others like me, play the great game of life. We don’t always know the rules and cannot read between the lines as easily. As such there were a lot of social cues and line reading I did not do early in life. This carried on into my twenties until now. I have had a year or so to take a deep breath and look back on things.

What I have found is a collection of mental scars that never healed. I found festering wounds full of poison. I could go grievance by grievance and write a manifesto of every wrong done to me, but what would be the point? I share my experience with others in hopes that they can see a similar situation and learn something from it. To write all my hate in blood and cast it into the void that is the internet would be pointless.

No, I think it is better to look at the sorts of things that hurt me in a broader sense. Then to explain what that did to me. For one I was constantly mocked. Given over to public ridicule because I guessed a situation wrong or missed an unspoken rule. Instead of being corrected and told what I did wrong I was treated like a fool.

And what was the point of it? Because I was different? Because I had a litany of physical and mental health issues that were on display to the world? Cruelty can be found in the young and the old. It can be found among people who consider themselves good.

I was also betrayed. People I thought I could trust or rely on who never did help me. People who I thought were friends or brothers that abandoned me or turned against me. Even lovers. Imagine thinking that people liked you and were on your side and you thought it was all going well, and they turn on you. Wanting you dead over small things. Leaving you in the dust because your ideas are “too simple”. To me this is utter madness and for what?

Not even the rules were safe. I learned the rules and played the game and people still didn’t like how I acted. I needed to smile more. I needed to engage with other people’s hobbies and interests. It was a double standard of course. If someone had it hard they could be miserable and surly, but when I had it hard I couldn’t. When I tried to share what I was interested in I was told I had to stop. It wasn’t socially acceptable.

My hobbies aren’t even anything that is wrong. Fantasy and Sci-fi, history, video games, story telling, movies. They were all the wrong kinds of things. Not because they were wrong or even immature. They were wrong because the people around me decided it was abnormal. So I stopped engaging with people and then I was told to stop being a loner.

The social rules never made sense. Then you add in all the things about gender and pronouns and proper language. Suddenly words were monitored heavily. I never liked that. I cuss like a sailor which makes things hard. But then you have to remember a list of sexual preferences and can’t make jokes about them?

As far as I am concerned these people all are mouth breathing learing retards. Political correctness and this other shit can go to hell. It doesn’t add anything. It’s just noise and confusion layered on top of an already messy world. And that world does not like simplicity.

And of course office politics. Good Lord, you want to talk about the most wasteful and stupid shit imaginable? Instead of everyone working together it’s all backstabbing bullshit. I hated it so much that I just decided not to play the game. I lost a job doing that.

All of these and more festered into mental wounds. I wondered if it was all my fault. If maybe I had just done things better or different it wouldn’t have turned out the way it did. But other people who are better at these things say the same frustrations. They can be proven logically, and the people who hurt me can be proven to have done what they did from emotion over reason.

So I reject the way things are. Instead I look to how things could be, but that meant leaving all of this at the door. Carrying all of this wasn’t good for me. I felt heavy all the time. I was so stressed that I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten. I was unable to truly sleep or rest. I was unable to create or even really enjoy things.

This is the thing that modern psychology doesn’t tell you. When you collect enough of these mental wounds it affects you physically. All those wounds begin to physically weigh on you. It all affects how much energy you have and can commit to anything. You cannot think clearly and often you make excuses for everything to try and create an island of stability in a sea of chaos.

I was able to get over all of this by naming what had poisoned me. I then let go of it. If you choose to not let go of these things that were done to you then it will continue to hurt you. Of course someone might say that it’s not right to just let go. After all, no one got punished for what was done to you.

You would be correct. However, I believe in Adonai Yahweh, Lord of Heaven and Earth, and his son Jesus Christ who was sent to us. I gave over these feelings and poisons to him and he took them. Because ultimate justice in this and the next life is his. So holding onto these things only hurts me.

It’s like holding onto a rope that is tied to a boulder dangling over a cliff. You tell yourself that if the boulder falls something bad will happen. Meanwhile your hands bleed as the rope slips anyways. It just hurts you and to what end? What purpose does it serve? None.

So it is better to let go. Even if you don’t believe in a God or the spiritual you can know that holding onto some things are bad for you. Hate, envy, jealousy, and more. All are poison that wears on the mind, body, and soul.

That doesn’t mean be passive and let people walk all over you. But don’t let these emotions become chains that weigh you down. There is a time and place for all these things. That is the lesson I am trying to learn even now.

Because having said all that and having resolved so many issues within myself something claws at that progress. I found a community and not long after I joined they found a mole. Now this person is going around posting screenshots of conversations to twitter to try and get people banned as well as shut the group down.

Because of this I got put on the damn list of suspects and even got kicked out. I don’t blame the community. I don’t hate them. But the people who are causing all the trouble? They are making it so hard for me to not backslide and think I got betrayed again. Do I hate the person or persons responsible? No. Do I hate their actions? Absolutely.

The crowd that screams about morality, about how others should behave, about letting people enjoy things. What a bunch of hypocritical bastards. They are the ones doing this. All because we disagree about a fuckign wargame. They are exactly the slack jawed retards I spoke of earlier. They just want to make life miserable for people who don’t step into line.

I know that I am right and I will not sit down and shut up. I will keep speaking out against them. Because these are the type of people that cause wounds and hurt others and add weight that drags people down. I seek for as many as possible to be freed from this. So the people who try to kill fun and enjoyment have to go. Not by violence, but by being told to fuck off and that we will not be intimidated. I reject you and everything you believe in.